BODY & LIFE

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Bᴏᴅʏ & ʟɪғᴇ  12 16 21 :

   I often hear and see people say I need to eat and im too skinny.. I just wanted to sweetly say that I am okay, and It doesn’t bother me at all because I know I survived hell before this.. I have gotten here even thru all my medical issues. Im VERY happy to be where I am today.. 10 years ago I used to be out partying, modeling, honda stuff, friends, cruising, and I was doing pretty good with money.. then started taking birth control for my period and I got severely ill for all my 20s. I was diagnosed with G.E.R.D & couldn’t work or eat much for all those years, id be hospitalized, throwing up blood,  put under for many tests and awake for many agonies. I remember yelling “I want to die!” In the hospital and they would medically sedate me to stop it all. I have track marks and other scars. About 7 years of my life is a huge blur, I lost so many friends and loved ones, I delt with suicide, deep depression, ptsd, belemia for years, paranoia and much more. Im soo happy to be where i am today! Seriously, I have so much energy and love for life and others now! Appreciating the fact I can even eat pepper now or drink soda.. I have memories of me on a scale at age 23.. I was 79lbs.  Im now 100lbs, I can sort of eat regular food again, have stopped all medications, currently going thru physical, mental, & emotional healing, and slowly gaining weight back. I’m still sick often but its way better now.  I really think its sweet that you can be here to watch me grow again. ♡  I try to share my energy and vibes now as much as possible because I know what its like to be at rock bottom and alone. I don’t care if anyone thinks I look too skinny or anything else.. I have so much love and wisdom now that conquers over all that.  I love you & wish you the best vibes.. I also NEED you to know that whatever struggles are fuckin you up right now… even if its lasted years like mine did.. it CAN get better and you have mad potential even if you feel like you’re done.. You’re not, keep going! The sun always comes back out after a storm. ♡♡♡

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10 – 8 – 25

I been really sick lately and just got out of the hospital again today.  I have been battling gastro esophageal reflux disease and other chronic illnesses that make my quality of life very strange and difficult to put into words.. I’m anemic and I struggle with belemia. I throw up so much that I throw up blood, I get acid burn on my face and in my mouth, and I’m in absolute agony usually screaming in pain.. I get severe chest pain and nausea so bad that I learned to purge and chug water.. then repeat.. My brain is messed up from all the years I’ve been having these episodes.. & this isn’t just a “I don’t feel good ill stay in bed” thing.. this is so bad that I had to go to rehab 2 times for …thoughts.. I was having.. I really don’t want to be this.. and have such poor quality of life. It’s constant.. But I have learned to be happy about what I have & It has given me alot more empathy for others.

Thats the reason i don’t really post to much or consistently right now.  By the time I can get back into a rhythm, I get a huge episode again & such bad anxiety because I can’t be doing work stuff or keep up with life stuff. I was able to quit my labor job and take better care of myself this way ♡ I HIGHLY appreciate you here with me.. idk where i would be without you in all types of ways.

I’m sober now and not even blazing up.. I started to drink heavily and do other drugs b4, Because my mom (my best friend)  is slowly dying from MS right in front of me for years now..and I have had to mourn very slow, it eats me alive.. stress severely makes me more sick.. so im trying to do the best for myself now and eat good, reduce stress and enjoy what I have.

My relationship with food has declined greatly over the past few years. This makes it hard for me to gain weight or get energy from the little food I can eat now. I had a specialist check my body over for low weight and she said that I still have fat in the areas that would disappear fast if I was actually too skinny.  She said I’m not underweight at all I’m just a small human atleast.

  I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH, you inspire me to keep trying and keep going.
We are stronger than we feel!

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